Warning the following blog post results from my serious contemplations which for some may be unchartered territory. I would prefer for only ladies to read this one.
I sit here tonight in a state I have very rarely found myself in during the past thirteen years. I am not pregnant or breastfeeding. To some this would seem a time to celebrate.
Whenever I have weaned a child in the past there flows a sense of freedom mixed with the bittersweet feeling of my youngest growing up. I have always tried to treat my youngest as if they were my last.
Now at the age of thirty-seven I realize that the likelihood of my nineteen month old actually being my last presents itself. In the past my uncanny fertility has been taken for granted. My pattern for the past ten years or so has been a baby then no cycle for about a year, one cycle then I would be expecting again. My body has not been working that way this time.
I sit here befuddled. My husband and I agreed before we were married that we would let the LORD decide how many children He would want us to have. So far He has blessed us with six amazing children. I view each one of them as a blessing and a challenge. I claim the LORD’s promise that He will not give me more than I can handle. Along with that trust, in the LORD’s wisdom, is accepting when He decides that He will close my womb.
I know to some I must seem a lunatic. Children require a lot of mental and emotional investment to say the least. But I have found my calling in motherhood, homeschooling and possibly even homemaking. It became my world over twelve years ago. I have found purpose and belonging in the midst of my craziness. Letting go of the baby phase, after almost five total years of pregnancy, almost nine years of breastfeeding and over twelve years of changing at least one set of diapers, does not come easily.
But after all these ramblings the truth remains that the LORD’s plans for my future have not been revealed. He may once again decide to send another precious blessing to our home. Until then I will strive to trust Him and to find contentment in the many blessings He has already bestowed upon me.